A Poem: Farewell Vajay-jay

Well, we had our big ultrasound today.  It looks like there’s a real baby in there, folks.  And my belly be a-growin’.  Nope, we didn’t find out gender if you can believe it.  Totally not our style, but we’re sticking’ to it for this last go round.  I thought I’d be able to tell from the facial profile (which Luke pointed out is ridiculous).  So I have no idea which camp our family will more heavily live in: Princess Pond or Firetruck Fraternity.  TBD.

And I’m not one of those people who just has these feelings and knows.  I’ve been wrong twice now, so I don’t trust myself here.

At any rate, here’s a really beautiful poem I wrote when I was pregs with Kierian (Bear-Bear) that really resonates right now.  I hope you enjoy the dazzling language and imagery, along with the enticingly subtle allusions.  Really, it’s awe-inspiring.

Farewell, goodbye, Vajay-jay my friend,

It looks like our time together has come to an end.

My tummy, it’s a growin’, a mountain so strong,

You should see how my booty now swallows a thong.


‘Bout two years I paid you so much attention, you know?

Alas, waxing and grooming and laser hair removal no mo’.


Out of sight out of mind, or so they say,

It seems I didn’t shave for yet another day.

I’ll see you in full length mirrors, and post-baby, perhaps.

Our dear, poor, sweet Luker, that unlucky chap.


It isn’t my fault, I promise, I swear,

I’ve got a wee-human that’s living in there.

So Dear Husband, if you can, forgive me please,

if it appears you can no longer see the forest through the trees.


Home again, home again..


Well, we just returned from a little 3 week hiatus in Oahu, Hawaii.  There is nothing more refreshing than stepping out of routine back home and reconnecting with good friends.  We are fired up to be back home and getting settled.

We’ve been jet-setting pretty hard this year and it’s been awesome.  We could easily blow every dime we have on travel, we love it so.  Alas, that’s it for a while.  More than half way through this pregnancy and we are now homebound for the long haul.  It was a great last hoorah for a stint.

Here are some of the highlights from our trip…

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I just feel so incredibly naked without my…


Kierian crown

He hasn’t taken this sucker off since his 1/2 birthday celebration at school on Monday

This weather is only good for one thing


cartoons and pj’s

You know you’re from Colorado when..

It makes me so happy that my kids get to grow up in Colorado.  Growing up here myself, I am freaking pumped that they get to share some of the same values without us having to really force them.  Which got me thinking….how can one identify a Colorado native?  Let’s explore together, shall we?…

  • We don’t have to think to hard about which direction is WEST (towards the mountains, homies).
  • We’ve never doubted GOD:


  • We think people who say they struggle to drive in snow are, well, pussies.
  • We know who Jake Jabs is.  Though we don’t entirely understand how tigers relate to American Furniture Warehouse, it’s so cool he gets to play with them.
Really a beautiful tiger

Really a beautiful tiger

  • April showers bring random and debilitating May snowfalls
  • Tom Shane is our boy, and we can recite the following with more accuracy then the Lord’s Prayer: “The Shane Company, just off Arapahoe Road on Imporia, one-half mile east of 1-25.  Open Monday through Friday til 8, Saturday and Sunday til 5.”

    Our boy

    You have a friend in the diamond business.

  • We know snow is coming when it smells like cow shit (Thanks, Greeley)
  • I say Cash Cow, you think 104.3.  Best station ever.  I’m talking Boyz to Men and Toni Toni Toni.  Pre-107.5 y’all
  • We believe Casa Bonita’s cliff divers are idols and truthfully, quite exotic
I mean this is just amazing

I mean this is just amazing

  • Camping is a family value, not, as my friend in New York says “like playing homeless.”
  • We suck at dealing with REAL bad weather (like true East Coast cold, or 2 days without sunshine or FLOODS people?)
  • I’m pretty sure our state bird is Kenny from South Park


Ah Colorado, how I adore thee…


Bitches cleaning for bitches

One of my friends has this theory that we bitches only clean our houses for other bitches.    

I think she’s onto something.  I’ve been hosting showers for peeps this season, and I had the last little soiree this weekend at my house.  You should seriously see how clean my house is.  This kind of cleanliness unprecedented.

It never looks like this.  And it’s all thanks to the fact that I had a few bitches over.  I mean, I wish I could say that I pick it up for my family, or even for myself.  But that would be a lie.  Usually, I watch my kids roll around under the table in the crumbs they’ve made from days prior without flinching.  Hell, I’m doing them a favor by exposing them to such filth: building immunity.

And those of you who have read my blog know that when this place gets messy, instead of putting in a few good hours of cleaning, I tend towards wanting to burn this mo’ fo’ to the ground.  It’s just in my nature.

But it did get me thinking…what other kinds of ridiculous things do we bitches do for each other?  Here’s a few I came up with:

  • Publicly enjoy tofu.  Not Japanese style, I’m talking like cold, on a salad.  As in “this grilled tofu tastes delicious with spinach” Yeah fucking right.
woman tofu

De-lish! Liar.

  • Cut bangs.  Okay, this is more my husband’s theory, but I had to add it.  (Secretly I wanna try this, though).  He thinks women only do this for each other because they think it looks trendy when in reality it makes them look like a seventh grader.  I donno.
  • Eating just one in front of other women.  You know you want more.  And when you go home you’ll probably eat twenty to make up for it.  Oh, is that just me?

Got any other good ones?

Knocked Up Abroad

Well, haven’t officially gotten this out there yet, but we are preggers again.  That’s right y’all.  Numero tres.  We went for it.

It happened…well, actually, I don’t really need to give deets there.  But I will tell you it happened in Chile.  I am due the SAME FREAKING WEEK as the birth of my other two children.  Which is ludicrous.  AUGUST 5th this time.  Three lil Leos.

I am at once excited and mortified, overwhelmed and overjoyed, scared out of my mind, and glad we went for it.

I am a jaded ol’ gal this time around.  It feels less magical and more…scientific.  Breastfeeding may be about bonding, but don’t pretend you are any different from Bessie, homie.  I am the bitch who sits in the back of prenatal yoga smoking cigarettes and taking shots of tequila shaking my head as I listen to first time mamas beam.

And having a third in Boulder is like having a third eye.  (Er wait, I think that’s considered normal in Boulder).  It’s like having a second head.  People don’t do these kinds of things here.

But we do.  So bring it on.  I am in my second trimester so I am feisty, feeling more energetic and a lil thicker all around.  Test me.

And please, wish me luck y’all…

Es mi vida

Es mi vida


Also this



Happy Valentine’s Day

A lil somethin’ I love this V-day

Spa Day

Spa Day


A lil’ gem I came across while putting together a book from our trip.  Happy Valentine’s Day!

Blogging is so outdated

One time, while in college, I was sitting around with a bunch of friends smoking weed. One of my friends told me that I needed to retire the jacket I was wearing.  She said that I was hanging onto the past too much in wearing it.  (Deep stuff while stoned, you know).  It was my old STARS softball jacket from high school (maybe middle school even?) and I thought it looked cool.  I felt like I gave off a vintage vibe or something (I mean, how lame am I…really).  At any rate, I was sad to hear that she thought that.  I did nothing with her advice and wore that sucker on until forever.


Instead of adding a pic of me stoned in college (I think my mom reads my site) I figured I’d show y’all how cool the stars logo is. I mean, imagine a jacket, right?!?!

People talk about blogging as being outdated.  Folks don’t have time to read other people’s lengthy thoughts on the world or whatever.  I get that. But I think not everything has to move at the speed of light these days.  Sometime, old and forgotten things have different glimmers of sentimentality that are worthwhile.

This is all my long way of saying, I’m gonna get my feet wet again with this whole blogging deal.  I’ve missed being the Realest Housewife in Boulder and wanna get back to it.

I hope you’ll join me.