May 14, 2013

Adieu, my good friends

Well, after much consternation, I have decided to stop blogging here at Real Housewife of Boulder County.

It’s been a trip.  Really it has.  I started this blog just a week after my sweet Cora Rose was born.  I’ve been sharing my perverse views on life here for nearly four years. I can’t tell you how appreciative I am to have had your eyes peepin’ through my shit.  It’s kept me going.  But it’s time for me to focus on writing other things.  (Hoping to get after another novel here…)

Though I must say, it isn’t easy to walk away.  You know how break-ups are.  It isn’t you, it’s totally me.

If you’d like to continue our cyber-relationship, please follow me on TWITTER.  (I’d love to follow you as well).

If the reason you come here is to see pictures of my progeny, please consider joining INSTAGRAM.

If you are here for professional (WRITING)  reasons, I’m impressed that you made it this far.  As you can tell, I’m incredibly professional.  Check me out on my WEBSITE.  I’ll post writing updates here as well (latest articles, happenings with books, etc…)

And if you are here for the first time, please feel free to browse.  Check out READER FAV’s to get a feel…

Thanks for the memories.

Signing off,

Brie

The REALEST housewife in Boulder County.  Bitches.

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | 6 Comments
May 8, 2013

Rookie Move

Here’s another memory circa 2009.  Our first Halloween….

 

Halloween is quickly approaching.  Though Cora doesn’t do candy yet, a girl’s gotta have a costume.  At least to take a few pics.  So, my good friend Leslie and I decided to set out to make this happen.

Originally, I was thinking she could be the Dalai Lama.  But once Leslie and I arrived at the costume store, we realized that there were o-so-many adorable options.  I needed to be open-minded.

Leslie found this cute lil lion costume that was small enough to fit her.  I was sold.  We drove home talking about how cute it was, and how I would put little barrettes in the mane to make it look more little girl-ish.  (I can’t quite bring myself to do the whole princess thing yet, though there were millions of those costumes in her size).

I threw it in the laundry to make sure it was clean and ready.  My plan was to have her in it when Daddy got home so he could get a sneak peek at what Halloween would bring this year.

Like an idiot, I didn’t read the instructions.  And like and idiot, I threw it in the dryer.  As it was drying, I wondered for a brief second if maybe it wasn’t supposed to be dried.  Naw, I thought.  It’ll be fine.

When I pulled it out of the dryer, it was totally ruined.  But not like you’d think.  There weren’t chunks missing and the mane hadn’t frizzed.  The adorable little lion costume came out with a perfect Jerry Curl.  I kid you not.  A freaking Jerry Curl:

007 008

Luke came home that night and took one look at the costume and said: “What is she supposed to be, The Reverend Al Sharpton?”

alsharpton

I really nailed that one.

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | baby | Cora the Rose | Daddy | firsts | hair | mullets | 2 Comments
May 7, 2013

Oldie but Goodie

A blast from the past for ya’ll this Tuesday. This week I’m gonna try and re-post some of my old time fav’s from my blog.  Oldie but goodie for sure about a little interaction Luke and I had back in the day.

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | baby | cool videos | Cora the Rose | motherhood | 2 Comments
April 22, 2013

A Weather Rant

Stop dicking with me, Colorado weather.  You are such a freaking tease.  Each time the sun comes out, I get all geared up to bust out some capris, expose my upper arm, and maybe hit the playground with the kids, but no. You continue to fuck everything up.

Yes, yes, we knew you were coming.  Yes, yes, we hope you help prevent forest fires this summer.  Blah blah blah.  Honestly, though, I’m so done with you that I’d take burnt grass in June.  For realz.  Fucking bring it.

I have run out of all my teacher tricks of making up games and art projects and dressing up and painting and charades and I have baked my ass off and I seriously can’t go to the fucking mall one more time or I might take someone out because the kids who go there as regularly as we do these days are kinda whack.  How the fuck am I supposed to avoid endless hours of Disney tunes on Pandora when I am trapped inside like this?  Sometimes I just lie on the floor and let the kids crawl all over me.  Because I am that good and I can’t think of anything else…

What it's like here

I heard this weekend we might reach the 70′s, though.  Suddenly I feel a bit better.

 

 

 

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | baby | Cussing | motherhood | Leave a Comment
April 5, 2013

BIG news!

Nope.  I am totally not pregnant.  Thank goodness.

But I do have some exciting news that I’ve been sitting on for a week.  I SIGNED WITH AN AGENT!  The amazing Emily Keyes from L. Perkins Agency offered representation and I signed with her today! I am totally over the moon.  For realzies, guys.

Many of you know I’ve written a few books, and she’ll be representing my book WONDER BREAD.  She will now go out to publishers and pitch them my book to see if we can get this sucker published.  It’s a HUGE deal because without an agent, my dream of getting published with most any publishing house is only that: a dream.

And Emily couldn’t be more supportive and amazing.  I’ve now had the chance to have a couple of phone conversations with her and man, do I feel lucky.  She’s incredibly knowledgeable about the industry, trends, and what editors are looking for.  She has already told me who she hopes to pitch for WONDER BREAD.  And she talked me through where some of her other clients are in regards to getting published, and hearing her speak of them with such faith in their work makes me know I’m lucky to have her behind me.  She’ll be a hell of a champion for WONDER BREAD.  I can already tell.

So, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that once I get this bad boy all polished up, a publishing house out there will take me on.  Thanks for your support during this process and I will keep you posted!!

And now, the song to which I used to dance in the mirror when I was ten.  Only for moments like this:

Check out those freaking nightgowns.

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | dance | firsts | happiness | 15 Comments
March 21, 2013

How I have missed you

I have sucked big time lately.  Forgive me.

But I am pumped to get back to bloggin’.  I have missed hearing from you and have missed writing inappropriate things.  Here are a few wonderful things that happened while I’ve been away:

  • We met our darling lil cousin Ellie.  Cora and Kierian are obsessed with her and Kierian won’t stop saying “Baby Ellie” to every baby he sees.  I just want to squeeze her and got a good fix of baby while seeing them in Cali.  Miss her already.
  • Vernon family trip to Luke’s parents’ timeshare in Newport Beach, Cali.  (Pictures to come when I am not so lazy)
  • I purchased my first pair of flats.  I want to wear them every second of my life.
  • I am wearing jeans today, which for a woman who stays at home, is a really big thing.
  • St. Patrick’s Day.  We were traveling home from Newport, but we were all four wearing green which made my life feel, I donno, complete.
  • I frequently feel like I want to set my house a’blaze.  There is no motha’ fucking storage so it seems like my best option.
  • Two weeks until the Boulder Backroads 10 mile race.  I have been totally half assing this training but am so friggin’ pumped to run this sucker with some of my favorite women on the planet.
  • I am an organizing whore.  You should come over strictly to see our closets.
  • I am considering changing my part again (in my hair).  Only time will tell.
  • Cora had pajama day today and I swear to God walking into her school and seeing all those little dumplings bubbling over with joy and pride made me want to die right there.
  • Kierian got a haircut.  I still don’t feel very good about it.  I am from Boulder, people.  Shaggy is it.
  • I have been petting Manali (our dog) more frequently.   I also don’t forget that he needs food nearly as often.

I love you all and thanks for coming back to me’ blog.  Here is a song for you that sums up my sentiment.  You still turn the fire on, if you know what I mean….

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | Cussing | happiness | Top Ten | Leave a Comment
February 26, 2013

Seriously, what’s the deal with leprechauns?

I am an Irish lass.  Growing up, St. Patrick’s Day was second only to Christmas in our house.  Seriously, my Mom made everything green and shiz.  It was amazing.  We all have a lot of Irish pride (perhaps part of the reason I still can’t give up my last name). Anywho…

Fast-forward many years and now I am trying to recreate some of the same traditions for my kiddos.  Among them is reading pertinent books.  Last week I was reading a book to Cora in which the people of Ireland were a happy bunch because they had so much luck.  But they were too lucky and too happy and so the leprechauns came on the scene to take away the people’s luck and keep their happiness in check.  The leprechaun king whisked the main character, Fiona, down into his underworld layer where he was storing all the luck of the land.

Now, if you are a good parent, you’re thinking: Brie, why the hell hadn’t you read the scary book first before reading it to your three year old? Or at least scanned the damn thing?  Fine, fine.  You got me there.  But look, the book ends on a happy note where the girl restores all the luck…blah blah blah.  However if you’re like me, you have perhaps a more important question: what the fuck is the deal with the leprechauns?

I mean, I know they are supposed to be mischievous and all, but why’d they have to bring a girl down to hell or whatever?  Why they gotta be so harsh?  I guess I always thought they were supposed to be light-hearted, fun, little guys.  The kind you’d want to be friends with.  The kind whose heads you’d rub when they did something silly.  The class clown type.  Not horrific,  evil devils that give little girls nightmares.

Well, you can imagine this left poor Cora with a lot of questions, and me spinning to try and make St. Patrick’s Day not sound so heinous and corrupt.  It is supposed to be fun after all.

Fucking leprechauns.

 

My love for this is beyond words.

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | Cussing | holiday | motherhood | Leave a Comment
February 6, 2013

Naive Little Butterflies

While in Disney, Luker and I had the opportunity to go on a few date nights.  They were fantastic.  We went to the Magic Kingdom and to Epcot.  We acted like teenagers and honestly they were some of the best dates we’ve had in a while.  So fun to go on rides, squeeze the one you’re crushing on, and feel like a youngan again.

As you know, our kids were wicked sick for a bit before our trip and this created lots of stress for Luke and me.  We were short on sleep and on and on.  Bottom line, we felt tense.  One night after eating dinner in France (Epcot) we decided it might be nice to get a massage.  But where, pray-tell, can people get massages at night?  There had to be some place.  If this place is in fact Disney, shouldn’t they have these kinds of things around every corner?  One would think.

We pondered for only a brief moment and then remembered that right near our hotel, there was a little strip mall with a massage place.  Bingo.  Maybe there was a shot in hell that it would be open apres dinner.  So, we sped out of the park around 10 pm, giddy as hell.

What we were picturing

We pulled up and I couldn’t have been more excited.  ASIAN MASSAGE the sign read in blinking red lights.  I clapped my hands and squealed with glee.  “And I love Asian massage!” I said to Luker picturing my last massage in the Thailand airport.  We bolted out of the car to the door.

Never once did it occur to us that random massage places located in dodgy strip malls off highways are a little, I donno, off.  And never once did we think to ourselves, hmmm, is it strange that this place is open at 10:30pm on a Tuesday night?  Naw.  Never once.  We walked forward more slowly now and attempted to peer into the opaque windows.  Foreign men ran in and out of this massage place like flies on shit.  Funny, I thought, a naive fucking butterfly, I don’t see any women going in?

We went inside and only then did we realize what kind of massage joint we’d stepped into.  We were looking more for actual massages.  Not the kind with blowjobs on the side.

What we walked into

Thanks, but not this time.  We flapped our tiny ass wings back to the hotel and tried to scoop our chins off the floor.  Orlando has a little more flavor than Boulder it seems.  And I am a little greener than the average broad.

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | Cussing | firsts | travel | Leave a Comment
December 20, 2012

Housewifery

Sometimes when I get the kids down to nap and I look around the house and there are crumbs on the floor and Legos on the window sills and boxes of Christmas decorations that are sitting out waiting to be put up, and corroded dishes in the sink, and laundry vomiting out the closet and dog shit covering the yard, I think to myself, Self, I think it may just be easier to light this mother fucker on fire (the house).

Now now, before you go on thinking I am crazy, let me assure you that I’d set fire to our house responsibly.   I’d get the kids and all the valuables like our pictures and our estate planning documents.  I’d alert the neighbors and grab the laptop and a few snacks for the kids like bun-buns or something to tide them over until I could explain to Daddy that we’d have to go out to dinner.  I’d turn off the gas (wait, I don’t know how to do this–should I do this before starting a fire?  I’ll have to ask my brother…).  I may even get the dog, but honestly, that is totally dependent on the day of the week I’d set the fire and what mood I am in.

One hurdle I’m finding in my planning is where to start the fire?  I’m thinking of starting it in the back because we just got a new couch in the front and I feel like we should let that sucker stand as long as we can before burning because it is new.  Also, if I start it in the back I should have time to run to the front and get out safely.  Or, if at the off chance that I change my mind mid-inferno, I could get back in and find the fire extinguisher and get it under control.

You know what though?   The cleaners are coming tomorrow so maybe I’ll just wait until next week.

Just another real problem for a Boulder Housewife.

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | Boulder-isms | Cussing | motherhood | 6 Comments
December 5, 2012

Tiz the seas-natch

As many of you know, Luke and I have what has kind of become a tradition with holiday cards.  We make one legit one and one kind of dodgy one for the perverse among us who get what we’re all about.   Here’s a little trip down memory lane of edgy cards from holidayz past…

2006:

Hope you get some ass this holiday season.

2007:

Bring your A game this holiday season.

Sweet Jesus, clearly this was pre-kids.  Mother effer.

2008:

Chillin' with my Baby Mama this holiday. Expecting a new gang member in July.

2009:

Cora got leid this holiday season. We always knew she was advanced.

2010:

Looks like we've got a swimmer this season folks (due July)

You can only imagine the amount of cock-cropping I had to do in the above photo.

2011 (My personal fav):

May snow angels be not the only reason you spread your legs this season,

Ah, memories.  Which one was your fav?  I’d love to know.  Hoping we can stay up to par this season.

Kisses

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | holiday | 16 Comments
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