July 25, 2012

Proudest Parenting Moment

My kid took a shit in the pool this last week.  Swear to God.  It was more in his diaper as I pulled him out of the pool, but still, it was a near-shit-experience.  And friends, this is like your worst fear as a parent of little kids in the summer. Thankfully it wasn’t my three year old, but I’m still scarred this week.

There we were floating around in the baby pool on a lovely morning in Boulder.  Thankfully there were only a few other kids in the pool.  Kierian has this nice little floaty thing he sits in so I can try and manage two of them in the pool at the same time: little bit of zone D.  To make matters worse, I woke up with a fever that day.  So already I’m death walking; my senses are compromised.  Usually when I hear that all-familiar grunt, even from miles away, I know what he’s up to.  But I must have missed it that day.  Lordy.

I swim over to him after dunking Cora and he smells friggin’ ripe.  I check him and I know I have a mere moment to act.  Thank Buddha those swim diapers are made to be tight ’cause just as I quickly yank him from the pool there is a loud barking sound and…  I whisk (more like slowly drag my sick ass) away from the pool with him and run (crawl) to the corner.  Cora starts crying and yelling for me to get back in the pool, she wasn’t done being dunked.  Cora is screaming, Kierian is kicking gleefully as I try to covertly wipe the filth from his chubby buns, and I am sweating bullets in the hot sun with my fever.   And whaddyaknow, I forgot to bring a new diaper.

I rip sweet wailing Cora from the pool and put her under my arm, throw naked love boy in the stroller and we head for the hills.  It was a clean getaway.  Kind of.

Just another day at the  pool, my friends. At least it wasn’t a floater.

 

Posted by |Filed Under: baby | Cussing | firsts | healthy thighs | Kierian Man | motherhood | poop | Uncategorized | 4 Comments
July 23, 2012

Diaper Wedgie

Happy Monday

Posted by |Filed Under: baby | firsts | healthy thighs | Kierian Man | Leave a Comment
March 22, 2012

Sell Out

Well Folks, I am a sell out.  It’s official.  I folded.  bought a pair of skinny jeans.  And I actually like them.  I think.

I know, I know, this is terrible news for the other thick-thighed out there among me.  I felt like we had formed a united front as Skinny Jean Haters.  I know, it pains me too.  So, with my tail between my legs, I am asking for your forgiveness.  Please, will you still be my friend?

Look, I can tell you this:  they pretty much look like shit on me.  I mean, I try to walk around and own them, but I am a Stranger in a Strange Land with these mo fo’s on.  A poser.  A wanna be. I am a middle school girl with a bra on for the first time thinking everyone knows.

‘Cause Mama’s got a booty and some thighs.

But please understand, it’s just because I have spent much of the last four years of life pregnant.  Styles have changed and I have no idea what the fuck is going on.  So now I am at the mercy of my fashionable friends to tell me what the hell to wear.  There are moments when I wonder if they are just fucking with me.  Like they want me to look like an idiot and are playing with me.  But then I shake my head and remember that I don’t have sisters (I jest, I jest)  or catty friends like that.  I know they are trying to help me.  And so I’m all ears.

So, I’ll continue my quest to be current with the styles.  But I am a minimalist at heart.  Being that these skinny jeans were the first item of clothing I’ve purchased for myself since 2008, I think I’ve got my work cut out for me.

 

 

 

Posted by |Filed Under: Cussing | fashion | firsts | healthy thighs | stuff that's dumb | 2 Comments
January 30, 2012

Too Fast

Okay.  Alright.  I finally get what people are saying about this whole kid thing.  It is going too fast.  I want it to slow down.  Pause.  Freeze.  Stop. Please?

We are through the hard months and life feels a bit too blissful.  Cora and Kierian are at perfect ages-2.5 and 6 months.  And it is definitely going by way too quickly.  I finally see why people have like 13 children.  But I guess that’s the bitch about impermanence.  No matter how many precious dumplings you squeeze out, not a one of them will remain two and a half forever.  I guess that’s why we see so many mamas treating their fourty year old youngest like he’s three.  Shit, I’ll probably do the same.  Just tryin’ to hang on…

Cora’s new thing is tickling Kierian.  He laughs until he can’t hold his enormous head up anymore.  And I want to cry from happiness.  She also likes to walk around public places with her glasses on and her hands in her pockets.

Every single person that walks by smiles.  And I am dying on the inside.  Kierian recently started eating a few foods (sweet potato, banana, prunes) and he always eats until he is so full it hurts him.  Food coma, we’ve all been there.  But he stays happy and I love it so much.

In an effort to make it all stop, or at least help me to appreciate it, I’ve been scrap-booking my ass off.  That’s right.  And though I still cry when I have to cycle through clothes that no longer fit them, I think the pictures are helping.  Because I don’t want to forget the year when Cora told me every single day that I am her best friend.  Or how Kierian flails on his tummy and yells with glee and how darling that is because he is stuck.  And how I finally got my fat baby in Kierian (for a Vernon).  Though sadly, even baby-man boobs are impermanent.  (Not so sadly for him, I suppose).

This is all going way too fast…

Posted by |Filed Under: baby | Cora the Rose | happiness | healthy thighs | Kierian Man | motherhood | 2 Comments
December 8, 2011

I’m Still Pregnant

My ass is anyway.  Yes, I am one of the lucky broads who carries her baby weight in her backside.  Four months out and my boo-tay still looks like I’ve been eating fried chicken with every meal:

If I could get my old pants over my rear, I could button ‘em.  Pretty sure anyway.  Hard to tell though when they only make it half way up my thigh.  Awesome.

I had this friend in high school who always used to bitch about how she would only gain weight in her boobs.  And as you could imagine, we felt SO sorry for her.  Ah well, a thick ass never hurt anyone.  Maybe I should bring my healthy rear outside of Boulder where it might be better appreciated.  Where can a girl with a boo-tay can get some respect around here?  (‘Round Midnight is not a legitimate suggestion, Boulderites)…

 

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | baby | Cussing | healthy thighs | motherhood | 9 Comments
November 16, 2011

Polar Bears and Princesses

Polar bears and princesses at our house these days.

Posted by |Filed Under: Cora the Rose | dance | healthy thighs | Kierian Man | Leave a Comment
September 15, 2011

Picture Me Rollin’

Like, down a hill.

Pretty much sums up how my body feels right now.  (Last one, I swear).

 

 

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | cool videos | healthy thighs | motherhood | 2 Comments
September 13, 2011

How Brie Got Her Groove Back:

Just put in a few reps.  No big.

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | healthy thighs | motherhood | 5 Comments
April 1, 2011

Canklesaurus-A Poem

I think I saw a Canklesaurus a-walkin’ about town,

Wait a minute, hang on one sec, it’s ME I think I found!

My calves they are a-swellin’, my shins buldge out my boots,

Come over and take a look at me, it’s really quite a hoot!

 

I guess I should have seen the signs when from my Mama I did hear,

“You’re carrying him quite differently, it’s in your face, I think, My Dear.”

 

If it’s in your face, it’s in your ass..your arms, your thighs, your neck,

Sweet Jesus!  I thunk to myself, Lord Buddha, what the heck?

 

However will I fix this, whatever shall I do?

Looks like I need a new meal plan with mainly just tofu.

For now, just keep your eyes open, be careful if you will,

You just might see this canklesaurus struttin’ near your hill.

She’ll pop your head off with her thighs,

She’ll sit on you ’til you go cross-eyed,

She’ll blindside you with her wild mood-swings,

She’ll scarf down all your chicken wings.

 

She is fierce and she is tired, and she is hungry as can be,

That canklesaurus is really something, it’s a damn shame that it’s me.

Posted by |Filed Under: healthy thighs | motherhood | poems | 6 Comments
August 31, 2010

A Fashion Death

I am dying a slow and painful fashion death.  It’s just terrible.  I am clinging on to my wide-leg trouser pants with the tips of my teeth, praying that things will change soon.  But I seriously don’t see the end in sight.

Misery.

I think after all this time skinny jeans have been misinterpreted.  They are NOT for the general public.  They are for the SKINNY public (those with long, skinny legs).

Those of us endowed with hearty thighs and butts are made to look even healthier when wearing a pair:

The absolute worst is when men wear them.  My God.

I donno about you, but my first thought is: tiny pecker.

But it’s not just the skinny jeans.  Even the shoes throw me:

They’re like glorified witch shoes.  My favorite is when girls wear shoes like this with capris.  Shit man.  Give those chics a broom and send them on their way.

It’s fine, I need to learn to deal with it all.  Fashion changes.  And I need to update I guess.  I am definitely starting to feel like one of those moms who came into our high school rocking feathered hair and tight jean shorts because she really liked the 80s.

I know this is a man, it's just the feathered hair was spot on.

I’ll be cool again.  Give it another five years and you’ll all be begging to borrow my clothes.

Posted by |Filed Under: 80s style | fashion | hair | healthy thighs | peckers | , , , 4 Comments
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