October 16, 2012

American Girl

Well, I’m home and so happy to be here.  It was a wonderful trip.  I had a lot of thinking time, moments alone, and time for reading and reflection that I don’t usually get here on a regular basis.  Perhaps my most profound take away from spending time in Asia is that I really like the Kardashians.  Like a lot.

I mean what a quality TV show.  Every single episode ends with some kind of moral lesson.  It’s really deep.  And Kourtney’s boyfriend Scott is just hilarious.  Also, I can’t believe Kim’s husband (I think ex now???) tried to have a party at her place in NYC without telling her.  I mean seriously.  Who does he think he is?

Here’s what led to my diamond piece of insight…

I was in Bali, staying in a small beach town called Sanur, a little place right on the ocean, which was what I wanted.  I woke up one morning swimming in a pool of my own sweat and turned my head to the left where a cockroach sat happily on the pillow next to me.  Did I mention there were no lights in the room?  Not important I guess.  Anyway, I turned to Cockroach that morning and said Cockroach?  And he said: “Yes, Brie?”as he wiggled his antenna listening intently.  And I said: “I’m gettin’ too old for this shit.” 

I jumped out of bed and furiously packed my belongings while there was still sunlight in my room so I could see, and Cockroach explained to his friends in our room my sentiments.  They understood completely.  I did what any American would do: I hightailed my ass over to the place on Bali where white tourists flock like boys on porn, and checked into a room for my last night there.  One with AC, room service, hot water and a television.  It was fantastic.

So, on my final night in Bali while many were out watching Kecack (traditional Balinese dance) and others were attending wedding processions, ceremonial cremations and eating exotic fish dishes, I sat in my room, blasted the AC, ordered nachos for dinner, took a hot shower and watched marathon episodes of the Kardashians.  I am one cultured mother fucker.

I guess you can take the girl out of America, but you can’t take America out of the girl.

 

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | Deep Thoughts | stuff that's dumb | travel | 7 Comments
August 9, 2012

More First World Problems.

Because my life is so tough…  I could seriously come up with this shiz all day long, Baby.

  • I can’t tell if this free range, organically fed buffalo meat is grain fed

Pretty sure this is a cow, but you get what I'm trying to do here.

  • Our nanny only speaks English
  • Watching the Olympics puts us over the recommended 7 hours of TV per week
  • Siri doesn’t understand a fucking word I say
  • Hangnail
  • I have like three stops before I get to Bali
  • My cursive G looks like shit
  • I have too many cloth grocery bags
  • I can’t focus because of the noise coming from the air-conditioner

What else you got?

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | Boulder-isms | Cussing | stuff that's dumb | that's what she said | Leave a Comment
July 13, 2012

The Problem with Women: Part Deux

So Luker came home last night and I told him about my rant and how I am kind of a woman hater.  He laughed and said he would like to hijack my blog again and tell my people the real problem with women: our driving skills.  I told him I got this one, thankyouverymuch.

I think it is stupid to say women are bad drivers.  That is obviously not true all of the time or even that often.  But truth be told there are a lot of women out there who make us look like assholes and give us a bad name.  I think maybe I’m one of them.

Yesterday when opening the mail, we were just thrilled to find a ticket from the motor vehicle whatever the fuck of Boulder.  The timing honestly couldn’t have been worse because it was right after I was telling Luke about my woman-hater-rant from yesterday.  You know those freaking flash photography tickets they give these days?  Those suckers really screw me over.  We opened the ticket to find an amazing picture of moi behind the wheel of the car looking caught in the act.  I knew that sucker was coming too.

I used to have this friend in high school, Lindsey, who was a really pretty and popular cheerleader.  She told me once that she got pulled over for running a red light.  She told the cop in her beautiful valley girl voice that the light looked more pinkish to her, and did he have to give her a ticket?  I thought she was ridiculous and hilarious and tried it myself once and it totally didn’t work.  The cop thought I was a fucking idiot.  I guess I didn’t have on quite enough makeup to pull it off.

Nevertheless, now I don’t even get the chance to talk to a cop.  I just get sent the dang thing in the mail.  And seriously people, yellow lights bring up a lot of emotions in me.  My rebellious side says: “Go for it.  No one will ever know; you’ll never get caught.”  My maternal side says: “Brie, you got kids in the back.  Take it easy, Homie (because I call myself Homie in my head-wtf?)…” And then my old Catholic side feels guilty about feeling all these emotions.  So I go through every yellow light incredibly conflicted and incredibly slowly.  This is exactly why those damn flash photo tickets are a trap for women.  Conspiracy theory, people.

Anyway.  Just another rant for you this lovely Friday afternoon.

This is the most amazing thing ever.

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | Cussing | Deep Thoughts | stuff that's dumb | that's what she said | 3 Comments
July 12, 2012

The Problem with Women…

Lord, where do I begin?

WARNING: The following is a Brie-rant and you may or may not be in the mood for this shit as your weekend is right around the bend….Read on at your own risk.

I have a little beef lately and quite possibly it’s because I see it in my own self.  I think the problem with women is we all think we know every God-Damned thing there ever is to know.  You need opinions on what kind of food to buy?  I’ll tell you.  Questions on career choices?  Let me force my opinions.  Suggestions on a boyfriend…thoughts on Mitt Romney…fashion advice….help out of a spiritual crisis-blah blah  blah blah blah.  Every woman knows everything there is to know.  Always.

How the fuck is this possible?

I seriously can’t think of the last time any woman (myself included) said something like: “Hmmm…I don’t know.  Let me think about that,” without spouting out some half thought out answer whilst pretending to know everything.  And the worst part is, we  give our own suggestions without even being asked.  We’re seriously the worst.

And sorry fellow Mama friends, but I think Moms are ten times worse.  It’s like we squeeze a child out the jay-jay and suddenly we are enlightened and know everything there ever was to know about humans.  Now not only do we know what is best for our kid and our family, we happen to know what is best for yours too.   Freaking gag me.

Look, I am up there with the worst of them. And this is not to say that women don’t know things.  Clearly we do.  Perhaps this post is a cry out to reintroduce vulnerability into my life on a more regular basis.  I don’t have it all figured out and I never ever will.  The sooner I own that, the better.

So feel free to give me some crap next time I go on acting like I know something.  Cause I’m pretty sure left unattended this shit gets worse as we age.  I don’t wanna end up as one of those closed and fussy old ladies who thinks her way is the only way to a life well lived…

 

Posted by |Filed Under: Cussing | Deep Thoughts | motherhood | stuff that's dumb | 2 Comments
May 29, 2012

I got served.

I got totally served last night.  Both my kids have been a wee under the weather and they BOTH decided to give it to us last night.  Bleh.  Today I feel like death.

Those of you who are close to me know I am a total freak about sleep training.  A freak.  Of course there are pros and cons to this.  One of the cons being that when they actually do wake up in the middle of the night, I feel so so bad for myself the next day.  It’s like I give myself permission to be the biggest baby on the planet and do not a damn thing as a result of my night.  Dirty dishes?  I couldn’t possibly clean them up, I didn’t sleep well.  Dirty children?  What’s one more day, germs are good immunity.  We have no groceries?  Maybe we could all stand to detox for a day.  And on and on and on.

As if I look this good when I'm tired. Right.

I donno how people do it for years on end, getting terrible sleep.  I think I’d be the worst person in the world.  So, friends, help me.  Surly you’ve lost sleep before.  Any tips on how to turn a tired day around?

Posted by |Filed Under: baby | motherhood | stuff that's dumb | 2 Comments
April 30, 2012

The Latest in First World Problems..

  • Before yesterday, it had seriously been like 8 months since my last massage..
  • It’s proving to be a particularly difficult season for dandelions..
  • The cleaners forgot to use our eco-friendly cleaning products and the odor is giving me a headache..

 

  • It’s kinda hard to fit TWO car seats comfortably in the Prius..
  • I have like 300 texts I need to send today..
  • Our organic produce from the farmer’s market is already going bad..
  • I have new sandals I wanna show off, but it’s only supposed to be 67 degrees outside..
  • If only people knew how uncomfortable laser hair removal actually was..
  • Pandora keeps playing songs I already know..

Got any good ones lately?

Posted by |Filed Under: at my finest | Boulder-isms | stuff that's dumb | Leave a Comment
March 22, 2012

Sell Out

Well Folks, I am a sell out.  It’s official.  I folded.  bought a pair of skinny jeans.  And I actually like them.  I think.

I know, I know, this is terrible news for the other thick-thighed out there among me.  I felt like we had formed a united front as Skinny Jean Haters.  I know, it pains me too.  So, with my tail between my legs, I am asking for your forgiveness.  Please, will you still be my friend?

Look, I can tell you this:  they pretty much look like shit on me.  I mean, I try to walk around and own them, but I am a Stranger in a Strange Land with these mo fo’s on.  A poser.  A wanna be. I am a middle school girl with a bra on for the first time thinking everyone knows.

‘Cause Mama’s got a booty and some thighs.

But please understand, it’s just because I have spent much of the last four years of life pregnant.  Styles have changed and I have no idea what the fuck is going on.  So now I am at the mercy of my fashionable friends to tell me what the hell to wear.  There are moments when I wonder if they are just fucking with me.  Like they want me to look like an idiot and are playing with me.  But then I shake my head and remember that I don’t have sisters (I jest, I jest)  or catty friends like that.  I know they are trying to help me.  And so I’m all ears.

So, I’ll continue my quest to be current with the styles.  But I am a minimalist at heart.  Being that these skinny jeans were the first item of clothing I’ve purchased for myself since 2008, I think I’ve got my work cut out for me.

 

 

 

Posted by |Filed Under: Cussing | fashion | firsts | healthy thighs | stuff that's dumb | 2 Comments
February 2, 2012

Crunchy Moms

I know these are getting effing annoying, but for obvious reasons, this is one of my fav’s:

 

Posted by |Filed Under: Boulder-isms | cool videos | motherhood | stuff that's dumb | that's what she said | 2 Comments
January 13, 2012

Shit People Say

 

 

 

 

 

 

People say a lot of stupid shit at pivotal points in life.  (Mental responses in blue)

About marriage or commitment:

  • “Good luck with the ball and chain..”  (Good luck at the bars with all the college kids.)
  • “Is it weird that you’ll never sleep with anyone else again your entire life?” (Is it weird that you’ll likely have those STDs for the rest of your life?)

About having your first kid:

  • “Sleep while you can..” (Go fuck yourself)
  • “Hope you enjoyed your freedom..” (Sure have.  And while you’re 50 with kindergartners, I hope you enjoy yours.  I’ll email you from Tahiti and tell you all about it.)

And then about having another:

  • “Having two kids is not double the work, it’s quadruple.”  (Wow.  Did you take basic math?)

I mean really, people.

I bet if you asked a mother of four she’d say it feels a little different than the days of when she had two.  Just a guess.   For sure, having two is no joke.  It’s a juggling act I’m managing as skillfully as I can right now.  And some days I definitely get it handed to me.

But at this point, I’m not buying the: “What’s one more?” So don’t try me.

Posted by |Filed Under: Cussing | Deep Thoughts | stuff that's dumb | that's what he said | that's what she said | 3 Comments
October 10, 2011

If you’re into dropping Acid

If you’re into dropping Acid, I think I may have found the place for you: THE CIRCUS.  Dear God, what were we thinking?

Last weekend we took the whole fam-damily to Barnum & Baily’s Circus because it came to Denver.  A lovely family outing, right?  One would think.  But both Luker and I got headaches and scurried our crew out of there at intermission.  What the hell had just happened in the last hour?  Too many lights, too many animals, too many things happening all at once with music to match.

I seem to have these nostalgic memories of going to the circus as a child.  But man, is it different as an adult.  It’s all these people from different countries who were once moderately athletic but who currently house an extra 20 lbs and couldn’t find any other way to get to America.  Hell, why not join the circus?

As we walked in, there were all these protestors with signs saying things like: REFUSE ANIMAL CRUELTY and TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO LOVE ANIMALS and stuff like that that I couldn’t ignore.  Shit.  Sadly, I hadn’t even thought about that while purchasing the tickets.  As soon as I saw the signs I felt like an asshole and Luker gave me the look like: “Don’t go there right now, we are just walking in.”  So I bottled it.

Trying to stay positive, we went in and  sat down.

Cora's still undecided on the whole circus thing at this point. (Notice how she fearfully clutches her ducky).

 

And then the clowns came out.  Honestly, if I wanted to see a bunch of clowns throwing frisbees around, I’d just head down to Viele Lake and watch the college boys with their floppy hair and tight pants do their thing.  I swear.  I thought real clowns had talent.

To make matters more exciting, all during the show vendors walked around selling Crack, Cocaine in the form of sugar to kids ages 3 and under:

AND

And also that shit in the clown cup that I think is flavored ice or something but that I failed to find a picture of.

I know, I sound like a Nazi.  But I believe it is all part of the circus conspiracy that I just didn’t see as a child.  Fill kids full of sugar so they are bouncing off the walls, and then lights and colors and all other things ADD seem like paradise.  And they beg for more.  And you keep buying effing tickets ’cause you don’t want your kid to cry.  Christ.

In the end Cora loved it and now wants to be a clown for Halloween.  When we told her we had to leave, she said: “Yeah, so the funny clowns can get some rest and eat corn.”  Makes sense to me.

But seriously, I don’t know how our parents did it.  Perhaps they did drop acid and we just didn’t know it.  They were products of the 60′s and 70′s after all.  But that my friends, is an entirely different post.

Posted by |Filed Under: firsts | stuff that's dumb | 4 Comments
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